I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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