Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
