Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
