You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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