when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize