I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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