You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
