I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
