I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
