Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
