i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
