I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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