either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
