Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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