I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
