none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
