How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
