I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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