either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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