I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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