I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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