Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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