I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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