I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
