I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
