you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
