I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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