tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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