i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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