ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
