upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
