OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
