Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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