also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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