he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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