just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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