You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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