you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
