She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
