Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just googled if crying burns calories
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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