Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
