but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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