I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
