my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
