im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
