Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
