wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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