the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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