they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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