im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
