I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
