i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
