i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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