She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
